My Fantasy
the life i wish i had
My whole life I’ve always chased the imaginable, I have so many wishes for my life, and I want to live as many lives as I can. I want to be this version of myself that nobody knows. Over the past few months of me not writing, I really got to disconnect from my world. I’ve loved life, and I got to re-enter emotions that I thought I had permanently shut down, but once people are placed back in your life, you can never ignore the pages you two have been left on.
Since my step back from writing, I’ve realized I’ve missed nothing more than that. I have changed every single feature about me. I’ve changed my hair, my eyes, and even the clothes I wear, and so, so many other things. For the first time ever, I’ve had people tell me that they don’t even recognize me. But there is one thing that hasn’t changed, and that is my soul. No matter what I have changed, I will always have the same laugh or the same smile. Everything about my character has remained the same. At first it led me to be aggravated. I changed every physical feature about myself, and somehow I could still see right through myself. and I hated that, more than anything.
I always tried to fit myself in a bubble. I wanted to be something that I could never be, but ever since I stepped back from the world, I changed myself into the shape that I wanted to be. I became my own version of personalized beauty.
remember her,
I always find photos of little me, and I always find myself being so disappointed at what I’ve become. This little girl that I once was must’ve thought that I would’ve been so much more than I am now. I used to hate looking at what was presented to me in the mirror. And all that can make me do is apologize to the girl in this image. because she would’ve never expected herself to hate the one thing she has to live with every day. herself. Little chlo loved life, everything and everyone around her was deeply loved. She loved and still loves ladybugs, and she loved the color green and chasing clouds in the car window. Little baby love, loved living. But 13 years later she can’t even think of one thing she even likes in this life. That isn’t fair. I’ve grown to be disappointed in myself for doing the one thing I should’ve never done, and that was criticize myself. She would be so sad to know I didn’t like her, she would care so much, and she’d do anything to put a smile on my face. And yet I can’t even give myself a genuine smile in the mirror. The baby me would absolutely adore who I am if she saw me walking down the street. So how could I despise her? How could I hate a little 2-year-old girl? And the one thing I learned is that I didn’t hate her. It’s clear that I hate what she’s become. I hate how I ruined such a pure soul, and the only way I realized I did was simply by looking back on the past I gave her. On the personality everyone focuses on. I ruined that little girl.
There was a person who made me feel like I didn’t deserve to feel so free with who I am. I felt like I was the worst person in the world because I hurt them. It felt as if I was disappointing that little girl all over again. I hurt someone. someone who was once very true to me. So why should I deserve the right to write? I told myself that me not writing is a punishment. I got told such horrible things about myself. And I believed them because why would they say something that isn’t true? But it isn’t. I’m not a horrible person.
I taught myself that horrible people do their horrible deeds on purpose. They try to stoop down to the level that other people go on just so that person can feel small. People are going to hurt people. That’s life. But people also grow to learn what is true and what isn’t true. I am not a terrible person. And I am most certainly not the things that they said I was. I love, and I love deeply. I love people’s flaws. And I love how people make mistakes and learn to grow from them, like how I grew from mine. The only lesson you can take out of this is to never let people say who you truly are. You know your truth, and you need to love your truth. Never let another persons words get to you. because that will only ever cause harm. You know who you are, not them. So never second-guess yourself. because you are who you are for a reason.
Love what you are giving, and love what you’ve been given.