You lost them before they left
The feels of watching your lover fade away
I am a girl of many words, thoughts, and feelings. Love is something that I’ve always had a blank page on. I always had the perfect idea of love. I always knew that when it comes to loving a person, you would feel the need to yearn for them. Growing up, I wanted to experience that fairytale love. I wanted that yearning feeling. When I was young, I once saw that first kiss that woke up the princesses. I wanted to be called princess and be woken with a kiss. I wanted to be loved loudly.
Now that I have reached this page of my fairy tale, I realize that love is more than a kiss and a pretty bird. Love is a real emotion, an emotion that comes with other feelings in the process. You experience pain and hurt. You go through the first-time feelings of jealousy. The one thing I learned when it comes to love is that I don’t love myself. I met a boy. This boy loved every part of me that I hated. No one could understand what I was feeling. In my past I never opened up and dissected my brain. He was funny. And he was really cute. I have mentioned this boy in my readings in the past. I mentioned how I loved him to the point that I forgot that pain even comes with a relationship. But maybe I forgot that key aspect because it turns out that I was the pain.
Love has many different points of view. Although it felt like I was loving this person to the best I could, to them it didn’t feel like I was loving them at all. The moments that I cherished were moments that he wanted to forget. The issues that I thought we worked through only led to the tear becoming wider. I wanted to make him feel like he was the only boy in the world. I wrote this boy secret letters, I listened to him carefully. The words that he would say, I would take careful note of. He was gentle. I loved the way he loved me. Although he didn’t say it often, I would always try to remind myself he did. I remember after each time he would tell me he loved me, I would get emotional. It was something he wouldn’t say often, usually he would only say it if I said it first. I thought for a very long time that the way we loved was very different. When it came to how I loved a person, I would show it through my words, I would tell him how I loved him at random times, while he would post me for the first time as a way of showing me off. He always told me how actions spoke louder than words. A lot of my actions were wrong. I could always understand where he came from, I made a lot of mistakes. A lot of the things I did were deemed as unforgivable. I remember feeling extremely disappointed in myself because I never knew that I was capable of hurting someone to that degree.
I remember feeling scared of myself. My mother always told me how pain is something brutal. I always viewed myself as someone who can get over anything because I always viewed my emotions as a weakness. I became a cold person. But after I grew to love this person, it gave me that feeling of wanting to change and be better. But the actions and experiences I was putting him through were tending to hurt him. Over time I could see a pattern. A pattern that I was the start of. I was hurting him, and I wasn’t playing my part as someone he felt like he needed. He felt like I wasn’t really there. He felt like our relationship was one-sided and quickly became the cause of every issue. I couldn’t be what he wanted. I couldn’t be the picture-perfect lady he needed in his life. My actions weren’t enough. My words to him were meaningless. Apologies felt empty. For the first time, I was the cause of someone pulling away. Me being scared was an understatement. I remember being afraid to speak about what I am feeling because the most common feeling I have is the feeling of not knowing. I couldn’t be what he needed because he needs someone that knows. I wasn’t able to be his comfort because I couldn’t even reassure him like how any other lover would’ve been able to do. My head was always left in the cold, and I made him feel like he was lonely, although I was right there.
Ms.Forgettable
I always forgot about myself. I always forgot the fact that I have my own experiences in life that shape me. I always found myself easy to forget. I always knew I wasn’t much. Whether it was forgetting about myself or simply just not caring, I always felt like I was second in every situation. The past week I was told words that I’d never thought I would hear. No matter how messed up or wrong a person is, I would never say something so hurtful to them. Well, not on purpose. Feeling unwanted is probably a greater pain than a heartbreak. I always knew that the truth would be a hard pill to swallow. But never would I have thought that the truth would hurt. Being told that I am unwanted brought me back to my young self. It felt like I told 5-year-old me that she didn’t mean anything. I felt like my heart stopped. Hearing that someone is unsure of me felt like the body I take up is a body that means nothing. I felt invisible. It felt like all the words I spoke meant nothing. It felt like every hug wasn’t symbolic. It felt like all the change I was working towards was unnoticed. It felt like everything meant nothing. All the memories in my head came rushing back. Those memories felt like the last 7 minutes that your brain goes through before it permanently shuts off.
I’ve had people walk out of my life. Forgetting the moments we shared. But never in my life had I had someone make me feel like they wished that they never had crossed paths with me. The worst part is that I understand. If I ever found myself in a relationship with a person like me, I would want to forget too. I am someone who is broken. I am someone who others find themselves hesitating about.
It is bittersweet. Feeling like I have to have a constant wall put up because I feel like if I show who I am, it will be something that they wish they hadn’t seen. I have been constantly met with the same results. I have experienced always being walked out on, so now I find it surprising when someone wants to stay. But knowing I had hurt a person to such a great extent has led me to not want to let those people back into my circle. Not because I don’t want them. But because I don’t want to hurt them like how I hurt them before. So no matter how bad I need them, I will forever be afraid of taking that step.
Everywhere I go. I see him looking at me. I see his eyes, I feel his heartbeat, I smell his faint cologne. Having to let go of him is going to be the truth that hurts the most. I can’t bear the fact that making him stay would only hurt him more. I am a person who will always connect someone else’s pain to mine. I can feel anyone else’s heartache. Knowing that I hurt someone to such a great extent hurts me. Every word I said to him had a deeper meaning. Every action caused him to pull away a little more. The nights that we would find ourselves in arguments would be cut short because he would give up on trying to have me understand. I always made a pinky swear to myself that I would be someone he wouldn’t hesitate over. I pinky swore that I would be his greatest lover. I swore that no matter how much it hurts me, I have to make sure my boy will be okay. So I had to make the decision to no longer beg for him. I had to give in on feeling unwanted. I had to let him leave. I needed to do what he wanted because the greatest act of love I could give him was letting him leave. Because if he loved me as much as I loved him, he wouldn’t have hesitated. So instead of leading him to each wall of disappointment. I am leading him through the other side of the stars and letting him shine without me, even if it meant that my star would no longer shine. I know that no matter what, the moments I shared with him will be something I don’t regret. I know that he will grow and do amazing things. I know that from here on out, he’ll be someone who I will continue to look up to.
This last part goes to you. If you ever find yourself reading this, know that I will always support you from afar, I will always watch you shine. Wishing you all the love, to the moon and beyond. I hope that your life is filled with all the things I couldn’t give you. One day you will find your enough. I pinky promise I'll stay back, and I promise that this promise will never be broken.